Tennessee Bans Thinking as a “Gateway Liberal Activity”
A week before the beginning of my sophomore year at the University of Connecticut I met up with my best friend whom I had not seen in a year. We were bored and had nothing better to do, so we decided to visit another friend of mine in New York. Roughly three days later we crossed the California border. It is a great story, but I only want to mention one thing that we observed during our journey. I think we were driving through Texas (I don’t remember for sure, this was long before I learned how to identify what state I am in by the type of barbecue sauce on my brisket) when we saw a billboard that made us pull over, laugh and scratch our heads for about 15 minutes.
Allow me to describe it:
A teenage boy and girl are sitting in the front two seats of a roller coaster doing a corkscrew. They both have their arms in the air, their hair is blowing in the wind with a half excited half terrified look on their faces – you know – the same expression they had the first time they accidentally mistyped the Christian webpage they were visiting and got redirected to a hardcore porn site.
So here they are, practically popping out of the billboard. At the top left corner of the sign in a giant happy font we read “Looking for a thrill?”
So we’re thinking “Hey, cool, there must be an amusement park nearby or something!”
Our eyes are then drawn to the bottom right corner of the billboard and we see in some medium-sized and very dull font:
Really? We both must have read that sign 20 times to make sure we were seeing it right.
Ok, I understand the issues here. I respect that many religions and faiths preach abstinence. And I believe underage pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases are serious issues that need to be addressed. Let’s say I even agreed that abstinence only education was the way to go.
“Looking for a thrill?”
Yeah, there’s nothing more thrilling than not having sex. Can’t these people afford better marketing?
And now, a little more than 10 years later, our dear friend Tennessee passes legislation banning teachers from promoting “gateway sexual activity”. Apparently the law considers hugging and hand holding “gateway sexual activity”.
I can see the headlines now: “Local 1st Grade Teacher Arrested on 18 Counts of Attempted Rape and Child Molestation After Loud Noise Startles Class”
To all of these abstinence whores I ask; don’t you realize what a poor advertising campaign you are running? Making it illegal for teachers to hug or hold hands in front of their students?
News flash: the mental image of Billy Bob’s history teacher doing the nasty with her husband (the gym teacher) has single-handedly saved him from losing his virginity on 12 separate occasions. Do you really want to take that away from him?
The thought of teachers, parents and politicians having sex isn’t contributing to the rise of teenage pregnancy in America; it is the only thing holding it back!
If we want to keep America’s children from having sex we must constantly remind children that their teachers, parents and politicians all have sex – not help them forget about it! Let’s encourage teachers to display sexual behavior. Have your health teacher make a sex tape and use it as a part of the curriculum.
This applies to parents as well. Moms, if you are concerned that your daughter’s boyfriend is trying to get in her pants, just invite him over to dinner and tell stories about the first time you and your husband had sex. Bring out the photo album during dessert!
If Representative Gotto really wants to do something about all the teenage sex and gay men in Tennessee, all he needs to do is replace every billboard advertisement in the state with nude pictures of…. well, I’ll leave that to your imagination.
Of course, I have a better suggestion.
Here is what I know about America now. The level of tension in this country is through the roof. People are so stressed out and angry. Parents who think ‘autism’ is French for ‘secret agent’ are sending their children to school with covert spy equipment. Countless Americans have lost their homes, jobs and savings. We have thousands of young men and women fighting overseas – some losing their lives and others their mental stability. We are so desperate for real change in government that millions of Americans actually take Sarah Palin seriously. America just isn’t very happy.
If you ask me, our students need a hug more than ever.
And we adults could stand to get laid. Would a little “gateway sexual activity” really be that bad of a thing? Just imagine what tomorrow would be like if everyone got some tonight. I’m just picturing all the birds and rainbows and bunny rabbits.
Instead of criticizing Tennessee, let’s support and encourage them. Let’s start a movement; Make physical contact a gateway sexual activity everywhere!
The next time someone hugs you, look them in the eye and say “Really? Of course I’ll have sex with you. I thought you’d never ask!” (No, Tennessee, this would not apply to siblings or cousins. Ok, maybe second cousins.) Didn’t a study in Tennessee prove that you can get pregnant and contract HIV by holding hands anyway? Might as well take the next step, right?
Or, if you want to do something really positive for the future of our children, may I suggest banning algebra and proper grammar from our classrooms?